Love triangle: a Dan and Phil fanfiction
by fireflyhelen
Summary: Dan wakes up to find Phil has a girlfriend, Clarissa, something goes wrong when Phil goes out to the cinema and dan becomes quite close to her... and everything starts to get hectic from there... WARNING: rated M for self harm, suicide, sexual references and some swearing. I love getting feedback, so if you like it so far please write a review. constructive criticism is encouraged
1. Chapter 1

Dan Howell woke up at 6:00 am to the noise of giggles and thumps coming from his roommate, Phil's room. He groggily got out of bed and staggered to the bathroom to use the toilet, what he saw on the cistern surprised him… a bra. "Seriously?" he said aloud, "Phil?"

He stormed up the corridor of his small apartment and flung the door to his best friend's room open to see him and a dark brown eyed, pretty, blonde haired girl sitting on the bed eating popcorn while watching some sort of romantic comedy.

"Whoa, Dan!" Phil exclaimed as he paused the movie. "Have you ever heard of knocking?"

"Who's this?" Dan frowned

"Oh, this is Clarissa, My girlfriend," Phil smiled. Clarissa instantly stood up, walked around the room and shook Dan's hand.

"Nice to meet you" She said in a sweet, Irish accent. Dan was confused. Since when did Phil have a girlfriend?

"I take it this is yours then, Clarissa," He handed her the bra.

"Tis," She smiled and took it from him.

"Would you like to leave us alone now please?" Phil said, ushering Dan out of the room. Dan closed the door behind him and went to his room to get dressed. He couldn't believe it! Phil had a girlfriend… and ACTUAL girlfriend! He had never talked about Clarissa before, which is strange as all the crushes he had before he wouldn't shut up about! When he heard Phil come into the apartment last night he thought he heard a girl's voice as well but then decided he had just imagined it but the truth was, he hadn't, Phil had brought Clarissa in last night and… wait, did they go all the way? Dan shuddered at the thought.

After Dan was dressed he wandered into the living room and grabbed his coat to go out to the shop for milk and eggs.

"Phil!" he shouted down the corridor "I'm going to the shop, do you want anything?"

"No!" he heard his roommate call back, and with that Dan opened the door and walked down the street to the shop.

Clarissa Plonked herself down on the sofa next to Dan, Phil had gone out to the Cinema and left them alone together, Dan thought this was unfair on Clarissa and tried to talk him out of it, but apparently she was cool with it. "I'm so tired." She yawned, as she lay back putting her feet on Dan's lap. He was surprised, but did not push them off. "I'm sorry," she apologised, noticing the look of confusion in his face, "do you mind if I…"

"No, it's fine," he said quickly, "You just surprised me, that's all."

"Ok," she smiled and shut her eyes.

Dan watched T.V for a bit and then he noticed that Clarissa was snoring, he laughed to himself, how can such a cute girl have such a loud snore?

Dan was almost asleep himself when the phone rang. He slowly pushed Clarissa's feet of his lap, careful he didn't wake her, slid over to the phone and answered, "Hello?"

"Dan, help me… Dan!" Phil's voice came through the phone panicked and afraid.

"Phil? Phil! What's wrong? What's happened?"

Phil didn't answer. There was a click and then the sound of the phone's tone.

Dan ran over to Clarissa and shook her violently, "Clarissa! Clarissa! Wake up there's an emergency!"

"What?" she answered, half asleep

"Phil phoned and I think he's in trouble!"

Clarissa sat up immediately, "Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Replied Dan, "He just said he needed help, he sounded really scared!"

Clarissa and Dan put on their shoes, grabbed their coats, and went off in search of their ebony haired friend Phil.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'll check the cinema, you look around here!" Dan ran round the corner to see thick, black smoke billowing out of the cinema. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed as he clapped his hand over his mouth. He ran towards the smoking building, images of Phil trapped running through his mind. As he drew nearer he noticed fire engines and ambulances were there. It calmed Dan a little bit but he was focused on looking for Phil. All he heard was people screaming around him in either panic or pain. Suddenly two paramedics came out of the burning building carrying a stretcher as Dan looked closer he realised… It was Phil!

"Phil!" He yelled as he ran towards the stretcher. Phil was completely unconscious.

"Are you a family member?" one of the paramedics asked

"No but we live together, we're best friends," Dan replied, his heart deep with worry.

"You can come in the ambulance, then," the other one said

Dan followed as they took Phil into the ambulance and shut the door…

Clarissa was running up the street, "Phil!" she screamed, "Phil!" She stopped. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She asked everyone who walked past if they had seen a black haired man with a side fringe. All of them said no. she was scared, so scared that someone might have done something to him, she loved him, and she fell in love instantly. His beautiful grey-blue eyes, his cute little smile and he had the shiniest hair that she had ever seen. She imagined him in distress, in pain she collapsed as she thought of him lying harmed and helpless in a cold, dark place. She slipped into a deep sleep and relived the very first day they met….

She was at a friend's party, Phil was standing across the way, chatting with some friends. She couldn't stop looking at him, and they kept exchanging glances. Eventually she plucked up the courage to approach him and ask for his number. He smiled that cute, endearing smile that sent a wave of butterflies through Clarissa's stomach. Three days later she Phil phoned her, asking if they could go out for coffee. That was when she properly fell in love, after three more dates they had their first kiss and became an official couple.

Then, Phil invited her to stay at his apartment for a week with his flatmate, Dan. Everything changed, last night they went to a party and when they came back to his apartment they went all the way, and it felt amazing, it was the best moment in her life…

Phil slowly opened his eyes to a bright, white room all he could feel was pain. Everything was blurry until the blurs formed into his best friend. As soon as Dan saw Phil's eyes opening he sat up.

"Phil! Phil! Can you hear me?"

"Mmmm hmm," Phil groaned. He tried to move his head but he had something around his neck.

"I'll go get a doctor, Phil," Dan said as he left the hospital room. He came back shortly after with a tall, elegant woman in a long, white coat, which he assumed was the doctor. She walked towards him and bent over him.

"How are you feeling, Phil?" she asked him.

"In pain…" he groaned, rolling his eyes.

"We'll give you more morphine then," she smiled and left the room.

"Oh my god Phil you scared me!" Dan walked round to his bedside and grabbed his hand.

Phil's immediate thought was Clarissa, where was she? There was nothing Phil wanted more than to have Clarissa by his side.

"Dan?" he struggled to say

"Yes?"

"Where's Clarissa?"

"Oh…" Dan replied, "She's… she's,"

"She's what?"

"She's in another ward… she collapsed,"

"Oh my god!" Phil exclaimed, "Is she alright?"

"She's fine, I'll get her to come visit you if you want," Dan stared at the ground.

"Please do," Phil attempted a smile, but failed epically.

Dan stood up, walked slowly towards the door, turned around and smiled then left the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan helped Clarissa walk up the Hospital corridor as she was quite unsteady on her feet. The Doctors said her blood pressure was quite low and that was why she fainted. They had advised her not to leave the ward but she didn't care, she needed to see Phil, Phil was all that mattered right now.

"How is he?" She asked Dan, he could see the worry in her eyes, he could see how much she cared about Phil and most importantly he could see that Phil meant a lot to her, that he wasn't just some guy who said yes when she asked him out.

"Um…" replied Dan, "he's alright… he's definitely conscious, got a lot of morphine in him though,"

"So what exactly happened in the fire, then?" Clarissa inquired, her face still struck with worry.

"Well," Dan paused, "quite a big piece of debris fell on top of him, knocking him out and breaking his collar bone, left arm and right leg… I also think he had to get stitches in his head as well,"

"Oh my god!" Clarissa stopped, she was feeling a little faint and unsteady.

"Are you alright?" Dan supported her firmly.

"I'm fine, just a little shocked," She replied

Dan opened the door to Phil's hospital side room. Phil smiled instantly as soon as he saw Clarissa, everything about her made him smile, she shininess of her long, perfectly straight blonde hair, her big, deep brown eyes "chocolate muffins" as he liked to call them and of course, her smile, a set of perfectly white, straight teeth, she also had the talent of smiling through the worst things. "You look like you've been in a war," she giggled, she could also add humour to the grimmest of situations, Phil thought. Clarissa smoothed down the tuft that had arisen in his hair. And then frowned, "are you not going to say anything to me?"

"No, yes, sorry," Phil stuttered

"I'm kidding, Phil," Clarissa replied, "don't waste your energy," she leant over and kissed him gently on the lips.

"I AM LEAVING!" Dan announced and quickly walked out of the room, making Phil and Clarissa giggle.

"He'll grow up sooner or later," She smiled

"Later" Phil laughed.

Clarissa was allowed to sign out and Dan had gone home with her on the bus, when she had got to the apartment she had gone straight to bed.

Dan was lying on the sofa, practically asleep when a noise from Phil's room, where Clarissa was sleeping, woke him up, suddenly he realised, she was talking in her sleep! This would make a great video, he thought, so he got his camera and opened the door to Phil's room. He giggled as he pressed the record button… But what she was saying shocked him. "No I didn't do it to myself… My cat scratched me… Yes I've stopped cutting," she then mumbled something Dan couldn't understand, he stopped recording. That was when Clarissa started shouting, "No! Phil can't find out! He'd hate me! No! Don't tell him! Get Dan! I need to talk to Dan!" She suddenly woke up, took one look at Dan and ran to the bathroom. He quickly followed and banged on the bathroom door, "Clarissa! Please let me in! I can explain!"

"It's not you who needs to explain… it's me," she replied solemnly through the bathroom door.

"Will you let me in?" Dan asked quietly. Soon after that he heard a click.

"Well come in then," Clarissa said slowly.

Dan turned the handle and slowly opened the door; he walked in and found Clarissa sitting on the edge of the toilet seat with her head in her hands.

"What exactly did I say?" She asked, standing up and leaning over the sink

"Well…" Dan replied, unsure whether to tell her or not.

"Tell me what I said,"

"Something about stopping cutting and Phil would hate you and stuff…"

"So it _was_ what I was dreaming about, then," Clarissa sighed, "I might as well tell you,"

"Tell me what?" he asked, a frown spreading across his face.

"That I used to cut myself…" She rolled up her sleeve to reveal about six thin, white scars down her left arm

"Oh…"

"Now, please don't judge me! I went through a very difficult time in my life and I couldn't cope and everything was crashing around me! And, and…" Dan cut her off by placing his hands on her shoulders.

"It's alright…" he said slowly as he dropped his hands from her shoulders and rolled up his sleeves to reveal similar marks, "I understand,"

Clarissa was shocked, she was not expecting this, suddenly something clouded her vision, she entered a world where all she could think about was Dan, where Dan was all that mattered, now that she knew he had gone through the same things as she had, she got this overwhelming sense of love for him. She slowly walked towards him, put her hands on his shoulders, as he had done to her, leaned in and kissed him, the kiss seemed to go on forever. Suddenly she got this overpowering sense of energy that she had never experienced when she kissed anyone else, not even Phil… The thought of Phil made he pull away, she loved Phil, and even though she had all these feelings for Dan in that one moment, she still loved Phil. Phil. She kept saying his name over and over in her head until all the thoughts made her dizzy and she fell back onto the bathroom floor.

"What just happened?" Dan said aloud, as confused as Clarissa. He sat beside her on the floor, he, as well as her, had felt the electricity of the kiss, it was amazing, he had never felt this way when he kissed anyone before.

"I… Don't… Know," Clarissa replied, looking extremely worried, "I love Phil… but I don't know if he'd understand, I mean, does he know about you?"

"No…" Dan sighed, "No one does… apart from you of course…"

"Do you still do it?" She asked, standing up and returning to her perch on the edge of the toilet seat.

"Well…"

"Yes or no, Dan," Clarissa said, "Do you still do it?"

He looked at her with his deep, brown eyes, slowly moved towards her and kissed her lips gently, "That's a whole other story,"


	4. Chapter 4

Clarissa sat in Phil's room going over in her head what had just happened. She was so confused, she thought she loved Phil, but the kiss she had shared with Dan definitely meant something, he understood how she felt, what she had been through, she had felt something amazing, electric, powerful. A knock on the door made her snap out of her trance, she stood up and took a deep breath in, was she ready to face Dan after what had just happened? Would it be awkward between them? She sighed, she was going to have to talk to Dan _sometime_. Whether Phil was in hospital or not, she was still going to have to stay here for a week or two. He knocked again, this time harder, "Clarissa," he said softly, "we need to talk, let me in,"

Clarissa slowly opened the door and looked at Dan, he had just come out of the shower, his hair was dry but he had not straightened it yet, so it was still curly "hobbit hair" as Phil had once described it to her. He was wearing a red, long sleeved jumper and smelt like shower gel.

"Can I come in?" he asked. Clarissa nodded slowly and gestured for him to enter. He sat down on the bed and patted the space beside him and Clarissa sat down.

"Are you going to answer my question?" Clarissa asked, staring into his gorgeous brown eyes.

"Yes," He replied, fiddling with his hands, "I still do… sometimes,"

"Dan!" Clarissa gasped, turning around and grabbing his hands, "Why?"

"It's complicated," Dan sighed, pulling his hands away from hers, "I mean, I don't cut anymore,"

"That's not the point,"

"I know, I just…" Dan looked away from Clarissa and took a deep breath, "The last girlfriend I had… she committed suicide…"

"Oh my god!" Clarissa gasped

"That's why I started cutting… I blamed myself! After a year of counselling I managed to stop! But the pain never went away!" He burst into tears, but managed to continue his story, "But I still pick my skin!" he was sobbing uncontrollably now, Clarissa immediately embraced him in a hug, holding him tight, she hated it when people cried…

Amy ran up the stairs to Dan's apartment, tears pouring down her face, he would hate her for what she had just done, he would never forgive her, he would break up with her, their relationship would be over. All these thoughts were running through her head as she banged really hard on the door to Dan's apartment, his roommate, Phil, answered, "Is Dan home?" She asked, panicking.

"Amy, calm down, what happened?" Phil asked, placing his hand on her shoulder.

"I need to tell Dan first, where is he?" Amy wailed, pushing Phil's hand off of her shoulder. Suddenly Dan appeared at the doorway.

"What's wrong?" He asked, concerned.

"Dan I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened!" She sobbed

"What did? Amy what's happened?" Dan was worried

"I made out with your brother!"

Amy fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, "Please forgive me Dan, please!" She cried.

Dan said nothing, he just slammed the door in her face.

Dan got worried after he hadn't heard from Amy in over a day, he thought that she was just giving him time to cool off about the situation, so he went round to her apartment to apologise. He knocked on the door; there was no answer, so he called her mobile, no answer, landline, no answer, all of a sudden he got a sick feeling in his stomach, had someone kidnapped her? He just kept phoning but he still got no answer.

Dan got worried and went to Amy's mum's house to see if she'd heard from her, he knocked on the door. And her mum answered.

"Hello, Dan," She smiled, "Is everything alright?"

"Well, not really," Dan replied. He explained everything that had happened, about Amy coming to the apartment, telling him what had happened and then him slamming the door in her face.

"Oh," She said, "well she's probably holding a grudge with you, you know what she's like," and then shut the door.

Dan came back to Amy's apartment with a spare key that she had given him a couple of months ago; he slowly opened the door and let himself inside.

"Hello?" He called, "Amy?" he checked every room in the house until he came to the bathroom… he tried opening the door but it was locked, he knocked it, "Amy!" he said, "Amy! I'm sorry, open the door!" there was no answer. He eventually managed to open the door by picking at the lock… but what he saw in there made him wish he hadn't. The first thing he noticed was blood, a lot of blood, pools of blood everywhere, in the sink, on the floor, on the shower curtain, the walls, everywhere. Then, he saw his sweet little green eyed brunette Amy, lying face down on the floor with a bloody razor and a note beside her, he screamed, tears started gushing from his eyes, "WHY!" he shouted, "WHY!" over and over until a neighbour heard him, came over, saw what had happened and called an ambulance.

Dan waited in the relatives' room of the hospital, with all of Amy's family, his hands were shaking uncontrollably, what he had just seen had scarred him for life. Suddenly the doctor came in and everyone stood up, "I've got bad news," He said, "she lost too much blood and while we were trying to save her, she slipped away, I'm so sorry," Everyone in the room started wailing, Dan ran to the bathroom and vomited, it was all his fault, if he had just forgiven her then and there then none of this would have happened, she would still be alive, he and Amy would still be walking along the park, holding hands, laughing at each other's funny stories, he sobbed loudly as he fell to the floor of the en suite bathroom, everything was spinning, he had practically killed his girlfriend.

Suddenly everyone in the relatives' room started calling Dan out of the bathroom, the doctor wanted to talk to him. Dan managed to pull himself up off of the floor and followed him out into the hall.

"Dan, you were her boyfriend, is that correct?" Dan nodded slowly, he felt so sick, "Did you know that she was pregnant?" The doctor asked, looking at Dan.

Dan felt dizzy, he had not only killed her, but he had killed their unborn child, just because she had kissed his brother, he was going to be sick, the world around him was spinning, the doctors words echoed around in his head, "Did you know she was pregnant?" eventually all he saw was blurs and everything turned black…

_The note that Amy had left said: _

_Dan, I'm sorry about what happened, you are the only reason I live, without you there is no me, so because we're not together anymore, I've decided to leave, please don't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault, I had been depressed and contemplating suicide for years, until you showed up. But now that you're gone I have no reason to live, I'll always love you, hopefully I won't see you too soon but I will see you again, don't worry, _

_Yours, forever and always, _

_Amelia Stewart x _


	5. Chapter 5

Dan couldn't stop crying, Clarissa still had her arms wrapped firmly around him, "It's alright," she said, "Shhhh…"

"And she was pregnant, too!" Dan wailed. Clarissa gasped, she had no idea that Dan had been through all this.

"I'm so sorry, Dan,"

Dan was wailing now, practically screaming. "It's all my fault!"

"I'm sure it isn't, Dan,"

"But you don't know the whole story!"

"Fine, tell me then," She said, sitting back and tenderly wiping away the tears from Dan's cheeks with her thumb.

"I can't," Dan sniffed, "I'll just break down," he got up and left the room and showed up seconds later with a piece of paper in his hand.

"What's that?" Clarissa asked, staring up at Dan. Dan said nothing, he just handed Clarissa the paper, it was folded up, and had red marks all over it, it was what she could only assume was blood. She slowly unfolded the lined page and read what it said…

After about half a minute she looked up, "oh," She said, Dan could see that her eyes were filled with tears.

"It's the…" Dan started

"I know what it is," Clarissa stopped him, "It's not the first note I've read,"

Dan looked down and took a deep breath in, then looked straight in to Clarissa's eyes, the same dark brown as his own, "It's almost visiting time at the hospital, we should probably go see Phil,"

Clarissa was staring straight back into Dan's eyes, they were bloodshot from crying and his eyelashes were damp, "Alright, should we tell him about the…"

"No," Dan said quickly, "he can't find out about what happened between us, he also can't know that you know about Amy,"

"Why not?" she asked, brushing a straight lock of blonde hair off her face,

"It would literally kill him," Dan sighed, "Look, he didn't cope very well when she died, and they were really good friends and…" he stopped

"And what?" Clarissa stood up, walked slowly towards Dan and touched his arm to make sure he knew that she was there for him.

"Phil's the reason we were together," He looked right into Clarissa's eyes, her beautiful big dark brown eyes, the kind that would be really easy to give into if she wanted something, Dan suddenly had the same feeling that he had that time before they kissed in the bathroom, he could tell Clarissa anything, she was patient, a good listener and extremely understanding, He could tell her his deepest darkest secret and she would take it to the grave with her, he could tell her what he did on Sunday afternoon, the most boring thing ever, but she would still listen. He leaned into her and parted his lips slightly, she was doing the same when suddenly he knew, this wasn't right, Clarissa was Phil's, he had no right to have these feelings for her. He quickly pulled away before their lips could touch, before he made a mistake.

"We should probably get going," Dan said, biting his nails, it was a habit he had only really developed recently. He grabbed his coat and was heading to the front door when something Clarissa said made him stop.

"Dan, I'm in love with you," She had not meant it to slip out, but it was the truth, she was in love with Dan as much as she was in love with Phil, she didn't know if Dan felt the same, if he only kissed her because she kissed him. She suddenly regretted saying it, all of a sudden she felt embarrassed, embarrassed that she had put it into words and told Dan straight to his face, "But I'm also in love with Phil," She sighed, all these mixed feelings were making her confused, but what Dan said shocked her.

"I'm in love with you too," He stared at the ground, "But we can't let Phil know, it would break his heart, he loves you so much,"

"Let's go," Clarissa said, pulling on her bright purple hoody, "Phil will be wondering where we are," She grabbed her phone that was sitting on the bed, and followed Dan out the door.

"Hey Dan!" Phil's mum was sitting with him in the hospital room as he and Clarissa opened the door, "And you must be Clarissa!" She stood up and came over to shake Clarissa's hand, "I've heard a lot about you, you're even more beautiful than Phil described you as!"

"Thanks," Clarissa smiled; she was _not_ expecting Phil's mum to be here.

"I told you she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen!" Phil exclaimed.

"Yeah well let's face it Phil, you haven't seen a lot of girls have you?" His mum laughed, she was full of jokes, Phil had learnt this growing up, his mum was the funniest person he knew, "The doctor said he'll be able to get out tomorrow," She said with a cheerful grin, "Oh, and they've done another X-ray, they were wrong, his arm isn't broken it was just really badly twisted under the rubble,"

"I told you it didn't _feel_ broken," Phil said, pushing himself up in bed.

"Yes but if I know my son, he always underestimate's things, isn't that right, Clarissa," She nudged her in the arm.

"Mum!" he exclaimed, "You're so dirty!"

Dan was sitting in a seat opposite Phil's bed with his head in in his hands, he was running through everything that had happened back at the apartment, the kiss, him telling Clarissa all about Amy and her telling him that she loved him. Phil can't find out, he thought, it would tear him to pieces, but he felt bad not telling him, the thing that made him feel even worse was the fact that he had real feelings for Clarissa, it wasn't just a kiss that meant nothing, it was a kiss that was shared between two lovers, two people who were properly in love with each other. He _did_ love Clarissa, and as hard as he tried, he couldn't stop loving her, his love for her just got stronger every time he looked at her, he knew it was wrong, he knew that she was Phil's girlfriend but something inside of him didn't want to stop, the thing that worried him the most was that she felt the same way, but she also loved Phil at the same time, that couldn't be possible, could it? You can't be properly in love with two people at the same time, could you? All of a sudden, he understood what people meant by the term, 'Love triangle' he had always thought that it was some stupid thing that could only happen in movies, but he was wrong, this was a proper love triangle.

"Are you alright, Dan?" Phil's voice interrupted his train of thought.

"Yeah, fine," He lied as he looked up; all three people in the room were staring at him, Phil and his mum in confusion, Clarissa in concern.

"That's good," Phil smiled, "I was worried for a second there,"

After Dan and Clarissa had got back to the apartment, Clarissa decided to start drawing, she did this whenever she needed to relieve stress, and now was one of the most stressful times ever, Dan stood behind her and watched as she formed random lines and squiggles on different areas of the page, he had no idea what it was supposed to be.

"What are you drawing" Dan asked, as he pulled a chair up to the table beside Clarissa and sat down.

"I don't know," She replied, "I never know what a drawing's going to be until I finish it, that way I don't make any mistakes, and nothings ever out of proportion,"

"I don't understand," Dan frowned, "That's like saying you don't know what a story's going to be about until you finish writing it,"

"Some of the best authors don't,"

"Really?"

"Yeah, one of my best friends used to write amazing stories, and she never knew what she wanted to write about, but when she finished it was clear what she had written,"

"Why did she stop?" Dan asked, brushing his side fringe out of his eyes.

"She killed herself," Clarissa put down the pencil down and stared the page, the expression on her face was solemn.

"You know how I feel then," Dan said, taking her hand in his.

"Yeah, I guess," She sighed

"Look," He said, "You're probably really tired, are you coming to bed?"

"Yeah, I can finish this in the morning," Clarissa was so tired, she could barely keep her eyes open.

Dan and Clarissa stood up, not letting go of each other's hand. They walked to Dan's bedroom together.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" She sat down on the bed, she was already in her night clothes, "I mean, with you,"

"Of course, climb in," Dan stripped to his boxers as Clarissa got under the covers. Dan got in beside her, and she snuggled into his chest.

"Goodnight, Dan," She said

"Night," He replied, stroking her head, "Love you," he whispered, hoping he would be so quiet that she didn't hear, but she did.

"Love you too, Dan," She whispered back, as she slowly fell into a deep sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

"And that's why you should always keep the person you love, really close to you," Clarissa woke up to the sound of Dan filming a new video, luckily she was out of shot so the people watching couldn't see her in Dan's bed. She slowly sat up, running her fingers through her hair, "Dan," she said groggily

"Oh," Dan said as he stopped recording, "you're awake,"

"Well no Dan, I've arisen from the dead," She sighed sarcastically as she looked at the clock beside the bed, "Holy crap!" She exclaimed, "It's almost one o'clock! How could you let me sleep that long?"

"You looked so cute when you were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you," he replied, looking up at her.

"Don't say that,"

"Don't say what?"

"Say that you find me cute, or attractive in any way at all, it's not right, I'm Phil's girlfriend, and you know that, Dan,"

"but I thought you loved me, too," Dan stood up, he didn't like what Clarissa was saying, how could she sleep in the same bed as him, tell him she loved him, then greet him the next morning with things like, "I'm Phil's girlfriend," and, "Don't call me attractive,"

"I thought you loved me," Dan stood up and stormed over to Clarissa, he grabbed her by the arm, really hard.

"Ow, Dan you're hurting me," Clarissa looked him in the eye

"How, Can you say you love me then get mad at me for calling you attractive, you can't do that,"

"Dan! Let go! Please you're hurting me, really bad,"

"It just, it frustrates me, Clarissa," he let go of her and crossed the room to his black, wooden bedside cabinet, and swiped the lamp off the surface, it hit the floor with a heavy thud and then a smash, "Why!" He screamed, "Why!"

"Dan! Stop, what are you doing?"

He lifted up a sharp piece of glass and rolled up his sleeve, "I'll do it Clarissa, I'll cut myself, for the first time in half a year, I'll cut myself, all down my arm, there'll be blood everywhere, Clarissa,"

"No, Dan!" Clarissa screamed as she ran across the room to where Dan was standing, "I love you, I don't want to see you in pain," She grabbed the piece of glass from his hand, and accidently cut her finger, "Ow!"

"Now you say it," Dan slowly set the piece of glass onto the cabinet, "do you mean it?" he took her hand and rubbed her arm.

"Yes, well, I don't know,"

"You don't know?" He gazed into her eyes; he could tell by the expression in them that she was deeply confused.

"I think I am, but I love Phil too,"

"Clarissa, you'll have to choose, me or Phil?" he let go of her hand and took a step back

"Dan," She said, her voice shaky, "don't make me do this,"

"You're going to have to, Clarissa; you can't love two people at the same time,"

"Phil," She said, taking a step away from Dan, there was a long silence.

"Phil what?" Dan asked narrowing his eyes,

"I choose Phil," Clarissa replied as a tear rolled slowly down her cheek.

"O…K," he walked out of the room with his head down.

"Dan!" Clarissa ran up the corridor to where he was standing outside the bathroom door, "No, you," She brushed his chocolate brown hair off his face, "I choose you,"

"Then why did you say Phil?"

"Because I'm confused, Dan, it's not easy," She sighed and embraced Dan in a long hug, "I still love Phil, but my feelings are stronger for you," She released him from the hug and sat down against the wall.

"You, you love me more than Phil?" Dan asked, sitting beside her.

"No, I said my _feelings are_ _stronger _for you, there's a difference, Dan,"

"Right,"

"Can I use your shower?" Clarissa asked, standing up.

"Yeah, sure here's a towel," He opened the door of the store cupboard and got out a towel.

"Thanks," Clarissa said taking it and going into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Dan was even more confused than he was before, Clarissa had said she had stronger feelings for him, but she loved Phil all the same, not that she loved Dan more. What did that mean? He was so confused. He decided to take a walk to clear his head; he quickly scribbled a note on a piece of paper for Clarissa and stuck it on the wall outside the bathroom. He grabbed his stuff and left the apartment.

As Dan walked along the side of the river, he remembered all the times he had come here with Amy, all the funny stories he had shared with her, all the kisses they had and all the times they had cuddled on the bench a couple of metres up from where he was standing, he smiled as he remembered her laughter, and the way her sharp green eyes always lit up whenever she laughed, he remembered her beautiful fine features, and her long, wavy brown hair, the same colour as his own. He missed her so much, he wished that she was here right now, beside him, holding his hand and giving him hugs, it was his fault that she was gone, if he had just forgiven her then she would still be here, and Phil would have Clarissa and they would be the two happy couples. Instead Amy was gone and Clarissa was there, making Dan confused and messing with his head. He came up to the bench and sat down; suddenly he was aware of someone else's presence.

"Dan," he heard a voice say, he looked beside him to see… no, it couldn't be, she was dead, wasn't she? Was he seeing things? It was Amy.

"Amy?" Dan said slowly, his heart was racing, "What? Is that you? I thought you were…"

"I am," she replied, slipping her hand into his, "You should go and see Clarissa, she loves you, and needs you,"

"What?"

"She's confused right now, Dan, she doesn't know what to do, she loves you, but she doesn't want to hurt Phil's feelings, go talk to her, and make her see sense, tell her what she should do,"

"But how do I…" Dan started, but Amy had gone, she was no longer beside him, he was by himself again.

Clarissa started singing as she made her way from the bathroom to Phil's room, she always sang when there was no one around, it made her feel free, she had seen the note Dan left her and was glad that she was alone, she needed some time by herself. She opened the door and gasped, sitting on the bed was a fine featured, green eyed, brown wavy haired girl, about the same age as Dan, she was wearing skinny jeans and a pale green top. "Who are you?" Clarissa gasped, taking a step back.

"Amy," She replied, "I need to talk to you,"

"But you're…" Clarissa stammered

"I know," Amy stood up, and crossed over to Clarissa, "You're really confusing Dan, he doesn't know what you're saying, and he doesn't know who you love more, him or Phil,"

"I don't even know myself," Clarissa sighed sitting on the bed.

"I know, but two years ago I was in the same situation as you, Clarissa, I was in love with Dan and his brother, and look what I ended up doing…"

"But what do I…" Clarissa looked up, she was gone, had she seriously just had a conversation with a dead girl? Was it her imagination? She wouldn't tell Dan about this, he would think she was crazy, Suddenly she heard the door to the apartment open and Dan run down the hall, he flung open the door to the room and ran in,

"We need to tell Phil," he said grabbing her hands, "But I need to make sure first, do you choose me?"

Clarissa closed her eyes, took a deep breath, "yes," She breathed out, "I love you, but maybe we should wait until he recovers,"

"Ok,"

"I'll break up with him, and we can date in secret,"

"Do we ever tell him?" Dan asked, stroking Clarissa's cheek

"Yes, but not for a few months, it would be too soon to tell him straight after the breakup,"

"Ok," Dan gazed into her eyes and gently touched her shoulder, "I love you," he undid the towel that was wrapped around her body.

"Too soon, Dan," she smiled and stood up, completely naked, she pulled her underwear on and got dressed, "Can I borrow you hairdryer?"

"Yeah, it's over there," She grabbed the dryer and went into Dan's room; She came back in five minutes later.

Dan was surprised at how curly her hair was, he was used to it being incredibly straight, "you look like Carrie Hope Fletcher!" He laughed, "And yes you can borrow my straighteners,"

"Thanks," She said, and sat down on the bed, "That was one of the things I was going to ask, but I came in here to do this as well," She pushed him down on the bed, lay on top of him and gently kissed his lips.


	7. Chapter 7

It was 3 o'clock and Phil had just been brought home from the hospital to the apartment by his mum. Dan and Clarissa were awkwardly sitting beside each other on the sofa as their clock ticked quietly in the background. Phil sat in a wheelchair opposite them; his mum was sitting on a wooden chair beside him, looking cheerful.

"It'll be a hassle at first, because he can't use crutches, but once his collar bone heals…" His mum started

"He'll be able to," Dan finished, staring at Phil

"Dan, are you alright? Your acting really strange, are you sure everything's ok?" Phil asked, his eyes wide with concern for his best friend

"I'm fine," he replied, his face remained emotionless.

"Ok," Phil stared at the ground, he was wondering why Clarissa hadn't kissed him yet, probably because his mum was here, he thought. There was a long pause.

"I'll make us some tea," Clarissa broke the silence as she stood up and walked quietly towards the kettle on the black, marble kitchen counter.

"So Clarissa, what part of Ireland are you from?" Phil's mum turned around to face her

"Oh, a place called Mallow; it's in County Cork," Clarissa brought out four mugs from the cupboard above her head, "It's a really nice place, you know, I enjoyed growing up there," She sighed, "I hopefully want to go live there again sometime, settle down, have a family, you know," She lifted the kettle and poured the boiling, steaming water into the mugs then dropped a tea bag into each one, giving them a stir.

"That's nice," Phil's mum said, looking Dan up and down, "Dan, what do you hope to do with your life?"

"I don't know," he replied, "I still haven't really got over, you know…"

"I know," Phil's crystal grey-blue eyes caught with Dan's deep brown ones, and for a short second and he could feel a strange connection, giving him butterflies in his stomach, how was he going to tell Phil about him and Clarissa, he would freak out, this was the first girlfriend he had had in years, and Dan had just stolen her? He couldn't bear to see Phil hurt, never mind him causing it. His eyes filled with tears, his best friend would hate him forever, wait, Dan suddenly realised, he now had to choose between losing a friendship, or losing Clarissa, he suddenly realised how hard the decision Clarissa had to make was. What could he do? Eventually the tears that had been building up in his eyes started to roll down his cheeks.

"Don't cry, Dan, it's alright," Phil attempted to comfort him, he would come over and embrace him in a huge hug if he wasn't wheelchair bound, "Amy's in a good place now,"

Clarissa turned around and walked over to Dan, holding out her arms, Dan fell into them and they hugged for about ten seconds, "It's alright Dan," she cooed, "Step out into the hallway, we need to talk…" She resisted the urge to call him sweetie.

"Ok,"

They opened the door and stepped into the hall.

"I don't know if I can do this, Dan," Clarissa said, burying her head in her hands

"Do what?" He asked, gently stroking her cheek

"Choose," She replied, "I thought I wanted you, but I still have feelings for Phil, and I'm in love with both of you,"

"Oh, Clarissa, not this again," Dan sighed, slumping down against the wall, "Someone told me that I should make you see sense,"

"I thought no one knew! Dan! Did you tell someone?!" Clarissa started to bite her nails

"No one _does_ know, apart from one person," A slow tear made its way down his olive toned cheek, "You, probably think I'm crazy, but when I went out for a walk to clear my head, I saw her,"

"She came to you as well?" Clarissa gasped, "She came to me and told me I was confusing you, then disappeared, You know what this means Dan?" She grabbed his arm.

"What?"

"I don't know!" She cried, falling to her knees, "I don't know, Dan, I'm so confused," Dan held her tight into his chest,

"I think you should stay with Phil," he whispered into her ear

"Really?"

"Yeah,"

"Ok," Clarissa sobbed, picking herself up off the floor, she wiped away the tears with her hands and came back into the living room.

"Are you two alright?" Phil asked, looking up at them, worried.

"Fine," Clarissa said as she shuffled over to him, "I love you, Phil," She whispered in his ear and gently kissed his lips.


	8. Chapter 8

*Five weeks later*

_Clarissa had decided that after Phil's accident she didn't want to move back to Ireland, so she moved in permanently with Dan and Phil, and had started making youtube videos_

"Clarissa?" Phil shouted down the corridor of the apartment, "Will you help me get into bed?" Clarissa quickly jogged up the corridor to Phil's room

"Ok, maybe we should get Dan, I don't think I'm strong enough, Phil," She put her hand gently on his pale, shirtless shoulder. His skin was soft and blemish free, she wondered if there was anyone who had skin better than Phil's.

"You want me to go get him?" Clarissa asked, gazing into his gorgeous pale blue eyes, Dan was in the next room, playing Xbox.

"Ok," Phil said reluctantly

"Dan!" She opened the door and shouted down the hallway, "I need your help," About half a minute later Dan was standing in the doorway, looking down at Phil.

"How do we do this?" He asked, walking slowly towards Phil and Clarissa,

"Just help lift me in," He looked up at Dan and flicked his shiny, black hair out of his eyes.

"Ok," Dan carefully helped Phil stand up and get into bed, "Well that wasn't difficult," He laughed, pulling the covers up around Phil.

"Hey!" Clarissa exclaimed, "That's my job!" Dan and Phil Chuckled as Clarissa leaned over to kiss Phil. "Goodnight," She whispered as she walked out and turned off the lights, Dan soon followed, shutting the door behind him.

Dan and Clarissa walked into the kitchen together, "Would you like a cup of tea?" She smiled, flicking a piece of her long, blonde hair off her shoulder. Dan smiled and nodded. Clarissa was taking the mugs out of the cupboard when she got a shooting pain, as if she had just been stabbed in her side, she collapsed to the floor screaming horrifically.

"Clarissa, what's wrong?" Dan asked as he knelt down beside the pretty, brown eyed girl who was screaming in pain, "What's wrong?" He said louder, stroking her back gently, he remained surprisingly calm.

"Don't touch me, it makes it worse!" She yelled as she lay on her side, still screaming.

"Stay calm," He said, "I studied medicine for a bit at school, now where does it hurt?" She pointed to her left hand side near her hip. He leaned over beside her and gently pulled up her top, pressing his hand against where she was pointing.

"God, Dan! It feels like I'm dying," She screamed, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly. Clarissa could see Dan's eyes were full of worry; he just looked at her beautiful, fine featured face and said,

"We need to call an ambulance, fast,"


	9. Chapter 9

Clarissa was still lying on the kitchen floor but she had stopped screaming, she was now panting quickly and whimpering, clutching her side, Dan was on the phone to the emergency services, "Please, yes an ambulance… I think it may be an ectopic pregnancy… twenty one years old, yes… ASAP, ok right bye,"

"I'm not pregnant!" Clarissa screamed in anger at Dan as she tried to stand up, but she was in so much pain she collapsed back to the floor, whimpering again, "I can't be,"

"Condoms are only eighty per cent effective at preventing pregnancy, you know, and what I felt in there definitely wasn't cancer,"

"I'm not pregnant," Clarissa repeated quietly as Dan crouched down beside her.

"Clarissa, unlike most people, I actually paid attention in biology," He looked into her Beautiful, big eyes, "an ectopic pregnancy is when the baby starts developing in the fallopian tubes and doesn't make its way down to the uterus, we need to get you to hospital fast, before your fallopian tube ruptures,"

"Dan, how do you know that me and Phil…" She stopped and let out another loud scream, "Oh God, Dan, It hurts so bad,"

"I heard you that night, you were quite loud, Clarissa,"

"Oh, God, what's going to happen to me?" She grabbed Dan's hand, "What's going to happen to… it?"

"They'll get it out, before…"

"Before it ruptures?" She doubled over in pain.

"I don't know," Dan sighed; he stopped and shut his eyes, then slowly opened them to look Clarissa in the face, "I don't know the procedure,"

"Stay with me," She whimpered quietly and squeezed his hand, "I'm scared, Dan," She clutched her side and screamed again

"Come on, ambulance, where are you?" Dan muttered, standing up and pacing up and down the kitchen, then he remembered, what would Phil be thinking? He quickly ran into Phil's room, he was sat up in bed and his eyes resembled that of a frightened rabbit, "Did you hear me and Clarissa Talking?" Dan asked, frantically running his fingers through his hair.

"I heard everything," Phil replied. Suddenly there was a knock at the door,

"It's the paramedics," He could hear a muffled voice from the other side. Dan quickly ran into the kitchen and opened the door, three paramedics rushed in with a stretcher; they laid it down on the ground and started frantically asking Clarissa questions that Dan didn't catch. Eventually they pulled her onto the stretcher and there was a pool of blood on the floor where she had been lying, "It's ruptured! We need to get her to the hospital, fast!" One of the Paramedics yelled

"Oh god!" Clarissa screamed, scrunching up her face,

"Can I come in the ambulance?" Dan asked, frustrated

"Yes, come on," One of the paramedics said as they left through the door, Dan didn't bother locking it, all he was focused on was Clarissa, he would never leave her side. Before he knew it they were in the ambulance and Dan was holding Clarissa's Hand tightly,

"Don't leave me," Clarissa sniffed, her voice trembling

"Now, why would I do that?" Dan replied, pressing his forehead against hers

"Dan, I'm Phil's girlfriend, do I have to keep reminding you?"

"I had no intention of kissing you, it was a meant as a sign of affection between two friends," He said, rubbing her hand gently

She screamed again, as she squeezed Dan's hand the tightest she had ever squeezed it so far.

"I'm scared,"

"I'm here, Clarissa, don't worry," he stroked her soft, blonde hair; this made her feel a lot calmer, and reassured her.

"I'll come out of this stronger," She looked up at Dan and into his big, brown eyes, suddenly she felt the same kind of connection that she had done in the bathroom that day about a month ago, the moment before they…

The next thing she knew Dan's lips were pressed up against hers, she didn't try to push Dan off, she didn't _want_ to push Dan off, she loved the feeling she was getting, she was suddenly in ecstasy, she couldn't feel any pain, she couldn't feel any distress, the only thing she could feel was Dan's soft lips on hers, it was amazing. He broke free and suddenly everything came back to her, the pain, the distress and even the thoughts of Phil.

"I'm sorry," Dan apologised, as he looked down at his feet, "I couldn't help it…"

"Its fine," Clarissa cut in, "But make sure it doesn't happen again,"s he let out another loud cry, as they drove into the ambulance bay at the hospital.

*An hour later*

Dan was sitting inside the waiting room with Phil, who had tears running down his cheeks, "Our kid, Dan, our kid," He sobbed.

"But, you didn't know she was pregnant, Phil," Dan stood up and picked up a magazine from the corner of the room, he laughed at the front cover, it was Kirsten Stewart's "Vogue" magazine that he had done an impression of in a video once, "Hey, look at this," Dan laughed, showing Phil the cover.

"Will you stop that?" Phil hit the magazine out of Dan's hands, "Just because we didn't know, doesn't make it any easier to get over, and it also lowers the chance of us having kids again," Phil blew his nose; he was an emotional wreck at the minute.

"Well, Phil at least you haven't lost your girlfriend as well!" Dan burst into tears and fell to the floor, being in the waiting room had brought back awful memories that he did not want to relive, the memories of his beloved Amy, and the awful news he had once received inside it.

"Dan," Phil said softly, "You know I'm so sorry about what happened to Amy," the sound of her name made Dan cry even harder, eventually he managed to pick himself off the floor and slump back into the worn, leather sofa, as soon as he had managed to settle himself down, the doctor appeared in the doorway.

"Guys, the surgery went successfully, we've removed the whole tube, but the other one still works, so she will be able to have children again. Her family have been contacted and they'll be flying over tomorrow morning, she's in a stable condition if you want to go in and see her now,"

Dan wheeled Phil into the room across the way where Clarissa was lying in bed

"Hello," She smiled as soon as she saw Phil.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as Dan wheeled the chair beside the bed.

"It hurts when I move," she groaned, trying to sit up, suddenly there was a knock at the door and the doctor came in,

"You've got another visitor, Clarissa," An average sized girl, who looked about eighteen with shoulder length, dark blonde hair and crystal blue eyes stood at the doorway, grinning.

"Abbie!" Clarissa said with excitement, "How did you know?"

"Auntie Patsy and Uncle Jim Called, and told me, I got the next train down here as soon as I could,"

Dan could tell she had an Irish accent, but it wasn't the same as Clarissa's, he knew she was from Ireland, but he couldn't tell what part.

"Mum and Dad called?" Clarissa asked, "How do they know?"

"The doctor phoned them," Phil cut in, slipping his hand into Clarissa's.

"Oh, Abbie, this is Phil, and that's his flatmate, Dan, over there,"

"Hi," They both said at the same time

"This is my cousin, Abbie; she's from Northern Ireland, but now goes to university in Suffolk,"

"You never told me that it was Dan and Phil as in Dan Howell and Phil Lester!" She exclaimed as her mouth dropped open. She pulled a chair up to the other side of the bed, "Anyway, now that I've got over _that_ shock, how are you feeling?"

"It just hurts every time I move," She said, grabbing the glass of water from the table beside her and taking a sip, "Apart from that I'm fine," Abbie leaned over and whispered in Clarissa's ear,

"Dan's very attractive isn't he? I still can't believe it's Danisnotonfire," This made Clarissa chuckle, "Ha Ha, yeah but Phil's better,"

"That's your opinion," She smiled over at Dan, Dan smiled back, he had no idea what Abbie had just whispered.

"I'm going down to the shop," Dan announced as he stood up, "Does anyone want to come with me?" There was silence as he slowly left the room on his own.


	10. Chapter 10

"I have to hold in my fangirling…" Abbie breathed, "…Phil Lester is sitting opposite me," Phil blushed then giggled, after all these years he still wasn't used to girls saying stuff like that, although he shouldn't by now but he always found it very strange, he was never popular at school, he never had many friends, only a few, so to think that there were thousands of girls all over the country screaming every time they saw him made him feel weird, and so many of them probably wished they were Clarissa, she had received a lot of hate from jealous teenage girls since they told the fans about the relationship and since she started making videos on YouTube.

"I'm sorry, Abbie," Clarissa smiled, "I didn't know you watched their videos,"

"Watch their videos!?" Abbie exclaimed, "I have a freaking shrine of them on my wall!"

"Then why didn't you see the video where I told everyone we were going out?" Phil looked up at the blue eyed girl.

"My internet's down," She stared at her feet, she hated awkward silences.

The hospital room door opened and Dan returned

"That was quick," Clarissa said, eyeing him suspiciously

"Wasn't open," Dan replied, taking the seat in the corner of the room.

Clarissa whispered something in Phil's ear that made him smile, Dan admired Phil, the way his bright eyes lit up even more when he smiled, the way he brushed his dark hair away from his face and the sound of his laugh, Dan smiled as their eyes met, he felt a wave of overpowering love go through his body, wait what? Dan was straight, wasn't he? This was his best friend he was thinking about, no, it can't be right, he doesn't feel this way about Phil, does he? He remembered all the fanfictions he and Phil had read together, for a joke, he remembered that time years ago when Phil was still living with his parents and they went away for a week so Dan stayed there the whole time they were away, he remembered the hug tackle that Phil did to him which gave him butterflies, he remembered that time he got asked to play gay chicken with him in one of the Q and A videos but said no, because Phil obviously wouldn't want to, then he remembered the truth or dare video were they almost did, and he remembered the great feeling he got when Phil touched him, but he pretended to get freaked out so no-one would notice what he was feeling, did he love Phil? Dan shivered, no, that can't be right, can it?

"Dan?" Clarissa interrupted Dan from his thoughts, "are you alright, you blanked out there for a second,"

"What, No, I'm fine," Dan replied hastily, "I just left something at the apartment I'll be back soon," He got up and ran quickly out the door.

_4 MONTHS LATER_

"Phil!" Clarissa giggled as Phil chased her across the huge grassy field that belonged to his parents; he and Clarissa had travelled up north for a week to visit his family. Phil eventually caught up with her and tackled her, they lay laughing breathlessly on the ground together.

"Well that was fun!" Phil laughed as he stroked Clarissa's long blonde hair, "I forgot how fun it was to live up here, with miles of grass, to just run around,"

"Even though I am the most unfit person I know," Clarissa gasped, breathless.

"No, correction, _I am _the most unfit person you know," Phil stood up and looked around, admiring the English countryside, he remembered growing up here and remembered the fun times he had with his brother, just messing about. "You know, Clarissa, you're the first girl I've ever brought back up here with me,"

"It's a very nice place, isn't it?" She stood up to join him and slipped her hand into his.

"I would love to move back here some time," he said, taking Clarissa over to the fence a couple of feet in front of them and opening the gate.

"Where are we going?" Clarissa asked him as they walked up the huge grassy hill on the other side.

"You'll see," he replied as a cute smirk spread across his face.

They eventually entered the forest at the top of the hill and Phil guided Clarissa round the twisting path of trees and bushes until they came to a tree with a wooden shack built up in it with a ladder. Phil stood and gazed up at it.

"A tree house," Clarissa breathed

"Yup," Phil looked at Clarissa, "My dad and I built it when I was ten," He started climbing up the ladder, "You coming up?"

"Yes, ok," Clarissa followed him up and sat in the wooden shack looking down at the forest.

_DAN'S POV_

I stumbled out of bed and looked at my phone, ten o'clock, probably the earliest I've been up this week, usually I have Phil to come and tell me to move my lazy arse out of bed but this week, because he and Clarissa have gone up to Rossendale to visit his parents, I've been sleeping until twelve o'clock every morning. Suddenly, my Phone started ringing, which made me jump, "Hello?" I answered

"Hi, it's Heidi," My friend's voice came through the phone

"Oh, Hello," I said, biting my nails, I kind of liked her.

"Do you fancy meeting me at Starbucks at around, twelve o'clock, say?"

"Yeah, that'd be fine Phil's away, and I don't have anything to do so, yeah,"

"See you there then," There was a click as she hung up, I had met Heidi a few months ago on YouTube, I had started watching her videos and then we started tweeting each other, then after about a couple of weeks I found out she lived just down the road from me and we became friends. Was this a date? No, it was just two friends meeting up, although I couldn't help but be self-conscious about my looks, I walked quickly to the bathroom, stripped of my pyjamas and got into the shower.


	11. Chapter 11

"Dan! Dan!" I heard footsteps running up to me as I was walking down the street towards Starbucks, I turned around, a long brown haired girl with dark brown eyes was running up the pavement towards me.

"Heidi!" I exclaimed, wondering why she was in such a rush.

"Dan!" She said breathlessly as she slammed to a halt in front of me

"Hey,"

"I need to talk to you," She said, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me into the coffee shop. I took a seat as she ordered us both hot chocolates and offered to buy mine for me. I admired her cute facial features as she carried them over to where I was sitting.

"So what is it you want to talk about?" I sat up as she put the mugs down on the table in front of me.

"PJ asked me out," She said, taking the seat opposite me. My heart sunk, PJ was one of my best friends and was also a youtuber, and now, he was dating Heidi. "But I said no," This made me look up, she said no? Then why was she telling me this? "Because…"

"Because what?" I asked, looking her directly in the eyes, an even deeper shade of brown than Clarissa's., I took a sip of my drink.

"I sort of like… you," I dribbled all over myself in surprise, "What?"

"I like you… and I want to know if you'll be my boyfriend,"

"Yes," I laughed, "Yes I will!" She smiled and her eyes lit up.

"I've liked you a long time Daniel Howell, before you even knew I existed!" She got up off her seat, walked round the table and hugged me, a long, warm, close embrace that seemed to go on forever, she released me and looked into my eyes.

"After this, do you want to come back to my apartment and we can hang out?" I asked her.

"Yeah, sure why not?" she replied, sitting back down.

"I love it up here," Clarissa said as Phil tenderly kissed her lips, "looking down at the forest is so relaxing," She kissed Phil again, this time pushing him down and lying on top of him. "I love you Phillip Lester."

"Clarissa?" Phil asked, kissing her again, "Will you marry me?"

"Yes!" Clarissa yelled, "Yes! Phil I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I've been waiting for you to ask that question for weeks!"

Phil laughed, running his fingers through her hair, "I love you Clarissa,"

They climbed down the ladder and ran through the forest, giggling and holding hands as they went; they ran across the fields, through the gate and up to Phil's Parents' Farmhouse and stumbled through the door, out of breath.

"Mum! Dad!" Phil grabbed Clarissa's hand and they walked through the door of the living room together, where his parents were sitting, "Clarissa and I are getting married!"

"Married?" Phil's mum raised her eyebrows and looked the two up and down.

"Is this some kind of joke?!" His dad exclaimed as he stood up, "Phil, You're only twenty six! And Clarissa, You're only twenty one! You're both far too young to be getting married, forever is a very long time you know!"

"But Dad, we love each other," He gave Clarissa's hand a squeeze, "We want to spend our lives together, and have a family together!"

"Our son's right, If he loves Clarissa, and wants to spend his life with her then it's his decision, not ours," His mum gave his dad a look.

"I just think you're both too young to be making that kind of choice," His dad stood up and left the room, muttering something as he went.

_DAN'S POV_

"So, we've got happy feet, Shrek two or Ghost busters one," I said as I was sorting through Mine and Phil's DVD collection, we really didn't have many interesting movies, "There's loads more if you'd rather watch something that's not… Animated,"

"Hmmmm…" Heidi flicked her hair

"Oh! We've got Garfield, one and two if you want to watch that,"

"Garfield two's my favourite movie of all time, I'm practically a child at heart!" She smiled

"Ok, let's watch that then," I put the DVD into the player and pressed play. Heidi took a seat on the sofa and so did I, then, she did something really strange, she lay back and put her feet on my lap, just like Clarissa had done five months ago, suddenly I got a sick feeling in my stomach, it was hard to explain, it was like nerves mixed with fear, my heart started beating very fast and then… the phone rang.


	12. Chapter 12

"Hello," I slowly answered

"Dan! It's Phil! Something awful has happened, I need you to pack a bag real quick, and get the next train up here do you understand?"

"Yes, ok," My mouth was dry and I could barely speak, what was wrong? Why did he need me? I put the receiver down and ran into my bedroom, flinging my navy bag onto the bed and stuffing it with my things.

"Dan?" I turned around to see Heidi in the doorway, "What's wrong, why are you…"

"I don't know," I replied, focused on getting my stuff packed, "Phil and Clarissa said they need me fast," I walked quickly to the bathroom and grabbed my shower gel, electric razor and toothbrush.

"And they're up north?" Heidi asked, following me in

"Yes," I replied, grabbing my llama hat and stuffing it into the bag, I can't go anywhere without it.

"Will I… Leave then?"

"Yes, um, that would be sensible" I went over in my head everything I had packed, Two spare t-shirts, a clean pair of jeans, three clean pairs of boxers, socks, shower gel, razor, toothbrush, llama hat and Phil's lion (I thought he might like that).

"Good luck Dan!" I heard Heidi call as the door to the apartment was slammed shut, suddenly it was quiet, the only noise was the television in the next room. I grabbed my wallet, phone and earphones for the train journey.

"One ticket to um… Rossendale Station please," The man handed me my ticket and I walked quickly to the platform, all I could think about was what might be happening up there, what might have happened to Phil or Clarissa and what might happen when I get there, I felt sick to my stomach, why couldn't Phil have told me what was wrong on the phone? It must have been bad if he had to wait to see me in person, I felt so scared, even though Phil and I were just friends, I always felt something a little more towards him than friendship, something almost, romantic, we had kissed once for a dare at a friend's party but that was it, just a dare, nothing more, even though I had felt something special when he kissed me, it was just a dare, for fun, part of me wished I could do it again, but Phil obviously didn't have the same feelings towards me that I had towards him, it was one way as always, just one way.

I was really tired for most of the train journey but I was too anxious to sleep, too worried, I tried playing angry birds on my phone to see if that would take my mind of things, but it didn't help at all, I tried listening to music, but that wouldn't even calm me down, eventually I just started crying, with worry and fear and everything else that was going on in my head. I just cried, for the rest of the journey. Until the train slowed down and came to a halt and the automated voice said, "Rossendale station," I quickly got off my seat and jumped out the door of the train, I exited the station and ran through the streets up to where Phil's parents' lived, I'm not a fit person, but I didn't care. I could have ran ten miles I was so concerned about them.

_CLARISSA'S POV _

Everything was black, I could hear faint voices calling my name, Phil's voice was the only one I recognised, "Clarissa, Clarissa" But even his voice was so distant, barely audible. I felt someone lift me up and kiss my cheek, Phil. Then I slipped into a deep dream,

"Clarissa!" I saw her face, I heard her again, she was standing there.

"Robin?" I slowly drew nearer, "Is that you?"

"Who else would it be?" She smiled and took my hand.

"I miss you, Robin, I miss all the times we used to have, all the fun things we did together, I wish you would come back, why did you leave in the first place?"

"I didn't belong here, the earth didn't deserve me,"

"What do you mean?"

"Clarissa, I think it's clear exactly what I mean," I felt tears form in my eyes

"No! You left me! You were the only person I had!"

"Forgive me?" She said, brushing some of my hair out of my face, "I always loved your hair curly, I hated it when you straightened it, I remember, sitting outside, in your father's field, just me and you, and I would French plait your hair, you used to love it Clarissa, do you remember?"

"Yes I remember,"

"Please forgive me, I had to go, I couldn't carry on anymore,"

"You were the reason I started cutting, I attempted suicide three times, it took me years to get out of that depression, Robin!" I was angry now, "You could have come and talked to me! You know I would have always listened!"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," She kept repeating, until the words faded into silence and were replaced by slow, steady beeps, I tried to move, but a shooting Pain went through my body, I slowly opened my eyes to see Dan leaning over me.

"Clarissa," He said, "Can you hear me?"

"Yes," I groaned, "Yes I can,"


	13. Chapter 13

He stroked my face gently, "Where's Phil?" I asked, the only person I wanted to see right now was Phil, he was the only thing I was thinking of.

"He went to get a coffee, he's coming soon, don't worry,"

"I feel so sore," I groaned, biting my lip

"What the fuck were you doing climbing trees anyway?" He frowned. Climbing trees? I don't remember any of that, the last thing I remember was taking a walk through the forest alone.

"Climbing trees?"

"Yeah, you fell out of a tree and hit your head pretty bad, you also broke your arm and your ankle, you've been unconscious for about three hours, you had everyone worried sick,"

"Well that would explain why my head is throbbing," I rolled my eyes, I was in so much pain, "How long does Phil take do get a freaking coffee,"

"It's alright he's back now," Dan said as Phil came in the door.

"Clarissa! You're awake!" He exclaimed as soon as he saw me, "I was so worried!"

"Don't yell, Phil, my head's banging,"

"Why the hell were you climbing trees anyway?" Phil pulled up a chair and sat beside me.

"I don't even remember, I think it was the bang to the head," I said, I tried to move my left arm to scratch my face, but all I got was a shooting pain, "Oh Dear! I think that's the broken one then," I said aloud. And then giggled at myself, why was I giggling?

"It must be the morphine," I heard Dan whisper to Phil.

"I heard that," I said groggily, "Do you not like, have to tell the nurses or something that I'm awake?"

"No, they said it's fine if you wake up as long as there's nothing serious happening like, you know cardiac rest or something," Phil said, slipping his hand into mine, the touch was warm and reassuring, I loved it when he held my hand.

"Don't ever scare us like that again," Dan gently touched my cheek, and looked down at me with his big, beautiful brown eyes… and that was the last thing I saw

Suddenly blackness clouded my vision and I heard loud fast beeping noises, I slipped deep into the darkness, falling further and further and further away, again I heard faint voices calling my name, but they were too distant to even make out, too far away. Then it stopped, time stopped, I waved goodbye to the world and everything in it… forever.


	14. Chapter 14

_You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be, my love, my heart is breathing for this, moment in time. I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today- One direction, Moments._

_PHIL'S POV _

Everything went in slow motion, her eyes shut, the machine started beeping, Dan started yelling her name, and the doctors rushed in and started doing chest compressions, wait, then that must mean… Suddenly I heard someone screaming, it took me a while to realise it was me, the tears immediately started to pour down my face, the doctor's attempts to resuscitate her weren't working, then I heard one of them say softly, "Time of death, six twenty pm," What was I hearing? A minute ago Clarissa was awake and talking to me, laughing with me, she couldn't be gone, this has to be a night mare, I'll just wake up and it will all be a horrific dream, but that didn't happen, all I heard was Dan wailing and then I ran out, ran out of the room, I was going to be sick. I ran to the bathrooms and threw up; she was gone, gone forever. My beautiful Clarissa, I was now uncontrollably crying and retching, we were going to get married, going to have kids together, but she was gone now, I couldn't do any of that with her, my one true love.

_DAN'S POV _

I fell to the floor, this wasn't happening, this can't be real, I couldn't see any more, everything was blurry because of the tears clouding my vision, they started to pour down my cheeks, one of my best friends in the world was gone, she meant so much to me, all the times we had together, all the things we did. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt so tight, "No!" I yelled, I couldn't stop myself, suddenly I felt somebody grab me by the shoulders, I quickly turned around to see a pair of hazel eyes staring at me, I blinked hard to clear the tears away and I could see who it was more closely, long red hair that was incredibly shiny, and beautiful features, it was Phil's cousin, and one of my best friends, Gemma.

"Dan," She whispered pulling me close, "My gosh, I don't know what to say,"

I sobbed into her shoulder, "Why! Why!"

"Shhhhhhhh," She gently stroked my head

Gemma was always the kindest person I knew, she was the one person who helped me out of depression, if it wasn't for her I would be dead by now, but her comforting actions weren't doing anything this time, I had been in this situation too many times before; I was ready to end it all, to leave this world.

"I have to do something," I choked as I pulled away from her close embrace, I ran through the hospital and up the stairs to the roof space, I slowly walked towards the edge, staring down at the city below, this should be high enough to end it, I thought. I was about to jump when I heard two voices say my name from behind.

"Dan,"

I quickly spun around to see two figures, they both stepped out of the shadow together and I caught a glimpse of their faces, wait it couldn't be, it was so surreal, Amy and… Clarissa.

"Dan, please don't jump," Amy pleaded, a sorrowful look on her face.

"We don't want you to," Clarissa spoke in her beautiful Irish tone.

"Think of everyone you'll leave behind, there are so many people who love you," Amy stepped a little closer, "Think of how sad you felt when I left, do you want to make everyone feel that way about you?"

"This has happened too many times before," I said, taking a step backwards, "I can't go on anymore, I want to join you two,"

"You'll join us one day, I promise, just not now Dan, it's not your time," Clarissa stepped up beside Amy, "Please," She held out her hand for me to take, "step away from the edge,"

"Ok," I breathed, grabbing her hand as she pulled me away, "I love you two so much,"

"We love you too, Dan," Amy replied, running her fingers through her hair, a gesture I remembered well, "That's why we want you to stay here, marry, have kids, live a good long life, then you can join us, but until then, goodbye," I blinked and they were gone, suddenly I heard a girl's voice screaming my name and then Gemma appeared, running towards me.

"Don't do it Dan, don't do it," She quickly pulled me into a long, warm, close embrace and we stood there for what felt like hours, I didn't mind though, Gemma's hugs were always soothing. "You mean a lot to me, I don't want you to go,"

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind, "Where's Phil?" I asked, quickly pushing Gemma away, tears were still pouring down my cheeks

"He's locked himself in a stall and he won't come out, there's a whole bunch of people trying to get him out of there," She replied, her pretty eyes looking into mine, I always admired the colour of her eyes, they were kind of strange but beautiful at the same time, a hazel colour but green around the edges, then it immediately clicked inside my head what she had just said.

"Phil!" I yelled, running back down the pure steal, spiral staircase leading me into the hospital, "Phil!" I hollered again as I darted through the door of the men's bathrooms, His father, his brother, his mother and his cousin Alex, who all had tear stained faces were banging on one of the stall doors.

"Come out of there Phil!" His mum called, "Please, we all love you so much!"

"No!" I heard him wail from the other side of the door. I ran up towards the stall and pushed his mum out of the way.

"Phil, its Dan," I said softly, "Please open up,"

He didn't answer, all I heard from the other side was sobbing, this made me immediately brake down into tears and eventually the whole family was crying, comforting each other with hugs. Eventually I managed to muster the strength from somewhere to stop wailing and throw myself at the door. There was a crack as the lock broke and I swung the door open to see a scruffy Phil sitting up against the wall of the cubicle with his knees tucked up to his chin, he looked up at me. His Crystal blue eyes were bloodshot from crying and his cheeks were stained with tears, I had never seen Phil like this before, it was worrying. I threw myself on top of him, holding him in my arms while he sobbed into my shoulder, "She's gone, Dan! Gone!" He cried as I rubbed his back, this made the tears start to fall from my eyes again.

"It's not easy Phil,"

"I love you Dan, stay here with me," He cried

"Why would I leave?" I said, stroking his soft, black hair, "I'm not going anywhere,"


	15. Chapter 15

"_The reason you miss someone when they die, is because you've made so many fun and beautiful memories with them, and because they're gone you're sad because you can't make any more wonderful memories together,"- Helen Colvill _

As I lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling of Phil's Parent's spare room, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, I had stopped crying, I was all cried out for today and sleep was the last thing on my mind, I sat up and stared at Gemma, who was sleeping peacefully on a mattress on the floor, lucky her, I thought, she could actually sleep. All I could hear from the next room was Phil's loud sobs, he had locked his bedroom door and wouldn't let anyone in, not even me, we had tried several times to get him to open up, but it wasn't working. I got out of bed, pulled on my jeans and T-shirt, which were lying in a heap in the middle of the floor, grabbed my coat, which was hanging on the chair in the corner of the room, tip-toed quietly around Gemma and I was about to leave when she perked up, "Where are you going, Dan?" I turned around.

"I thought you were asleep,"

"Do you think I could sleep after today? I was just pretending," She sat up, "Come here," she patted the space beside her.

"Gemma," I sighed, she was the one person I couldn't say no to, "fine," I came and sat down.

"Dan, I know how much Clarissa meant to you, I know how close you were to her," She gently touched my arm, "I was also very fond of her, you know, she was a very nice person," Thinking about her brought tears to my eyes, "If you ever… feel like you did before, come and talk to me, you know I'm always here for you, Dan,"

"I know," I said, my voice shaky, I was on the verge of tears, "Thank you,"

"Come here," She pulled me into a tight hug, "I know it's a shock, Clarissa was dear to so many people, she'll be missed so much,"

"I know," I cried into her shoulder, we stayed close, our warm bodies pressed together for a long time, Gemma's hugs always seemed to go on forever, but they were always the best. She let go and sat back, we stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds, then, she grabbed a tissue from beside her bed and wiped away my tears,

"Come back to bed," she said, brushing my fringe out of my eyes. I stood up and got changed back into my pyjamas. Gemma pulled back the covers and patted the bare mattress, "In beside me,"

"Ok," I snuggled under the duvet with her and we lay together, talking.

"This is a really nice house," She whispered

"It's really old though, it creaks a lot," This made her giggle, "What?"

"Just the way you said it," She replied, pulling the covers over her face, "It was funny,"

We lay there just talking for hours until I eventually drifted off to sleep, I woke up at seven o'clock with Gemma under my arm, I had managed to sleep through the entire night undisturbed, how was that possible? I slowly pushed her away and sat up, then it hit me, I remembered everything that had happened yesterday and burst into tears. I managed to get up and get dressed fast then I ran down the old, wooden stairs, which creaked loudly, and darted out the door, I had no idea where I was going but I needed to clear my head. I walked across Phil's parent's fields, through a gate and up a hill to a small forest. I paced through it, the autumn leaves crunching underneath my feet. Eventually I came to a tree that was different to all the others, it had a ladder, my eyes trailed up it to see a little wooden house built in the tree, "A tree house," I whispered, Probably Phil's, I thought, seeing as he's always loved being high up from the ground, he always said it made him feel free. I thought about Phil, how he must be feeling right now, I ran quickly back to the house and through the door, I scurried up to Phil's room and knocked softly, "Phil, are you awake?" There was a slow creak as the door began to open and I saw Phil in the doorway, he looked even worse than yesterday, it was clear he wasn't taking care of himself, his hair was a mess, it was obvious he hadn't changed his clothes since the day before, his pale cheeks were streaked with tears and his eyes were bloodshot from crying, he was also shaking really badly.

"Dan," He squeaked as he shook his head and shut the door again, what was that? What had just happened? Seeing Phil in this state was awful, I had never seen him so bad on my life, I started to cry again and fell to the floor, I heard the door reopen and Phil pulled me into a hug, sobbing loudly, "She's gone Dan! She's not coming back!"

"I know!" I wailed, hugging him tighter, my best friend in the whole world was Phil, and I hated seeing him this way, it was horrible, then Phil said something that shocked me,

"I knew this was going to happen,"


	16. Chapter 16

_PHIL'S POV (FLASHBACK)_

"Clarissa?" I knocked the door of the living room, I knew she was in there alone, without waiting for a reply, I walked in.

"Yeah, sweetie?" She said, she had her laptop on her knee and was editing her new video.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked, stepping into the centre of the room so I was standing directly in front of her. She looked up from her computer screen.

"Yeah, honey, what is it?" She closed the lid of the laptop, slid it off her knee and stood up to join me.

"Maybe dad was right," I said, staring into her eyes, the most beautiful ones I had ever seen.

"What?"

"Maybe, we should wait until we've been together a little longer before we get engaged, Clarissa, there is such a thing as going too fast," I felt tears build up in my eyes, I instantly regretted what I had just said, I knew for a fact I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, but I was sort of afraid of the commitment.

"You think we're going too fast?!" Clarissa yelled, I could tell she was angry, I could tell she had tears in her eyes; I hated myself for saying it, "I thought you loved me, and had feelings for me! I was obviously wrong, I was so stupid to think that you loved me as much as I love you!"

She pushed past me and ran out the door crying. I instantly burst into tears, what had I just done? You're so stupid Phil, I thought, so stupid. I ran after her but by the time I was outside she was already half way across the field, where was she going? I saw her run through the gate and up the hill towards the forest. I walked quickly behind her, following her every step. As she entered the forest I picked up speed, now running slightly, suddenly she stopped in the middle of it and turned around, I quickly darted behind a tree so she wouldn't see me, what was I doing? I was too scared to face her after what I had just said. Suddenly she did something really strange, she walked up to one of the tallest trees in the forest and looked up at it, grabbed the nearest branch and hauled herself up, now standing on it. I watched in amazement as she advanced slowly and steadily up the tree, stopping and looking down every so often as she went. Why was she climbing it? What was she doing? I was so confused.

Suddenly she came to a branch which was smaller and didn't look as steady as the others, it definitely wasn't strong enough to hold her weight, I didn't think she was going to go near it when suddenly, the next thing I knew, I heard a loud snap and her scream as she fell out, I ran quickly towards where she was lying passed out on the ground, "Clarissa?" I slapped her cheek gently with the palm of my hand to try and wake her, "Clarissa?" My heart was beating really fast, was she ok? Had she been knocked unconscious? I picked her up and gently kissed her cheek, I ran back to the house with her in my arms and called an ambulance…


	17. Chapter 17

_DAN'S POV (PRESENT)_

"Phil, I'm so sorry," We sat on the ground hugging for at least another five minutes, I never wanted to let go, but then Phil parted from me and stood up.

"It's all my fault," He sniffed, "I could have stopped her, I could have told her not to do it, but because I'm such a twat, I just sat back and let her,"

"Phil, you couldn't have stopped her, you know how determined she was, she would never let anyone tell her what to do," I stood up to join him and held both of his hands, as comfort.

"No," He pulled away, "I know for a fact I could have stopped her, it's my fault she's gone now," He disappeared back into his room and shut the door in my face, what was he saying? Why was he saying it was his fault? Stop her from doing what? Climbing trees? All these questions inside my head made me dizzy and I fell back onto the floor, everything was spinning, like I was incredibly drunk, I grabbed onto the wall to pull me up, but I must have stood up too fast because the next thing I knew everything went black.

_PHIL'S POV _

I darted back into my bedroom and shut the door in Dan's face, he was obviously lying to make me feel better, it was my fault Clarissa was gone, and I knew that for a fact. Suddenly I heard a thump from outside the room, what was happening? I quickly walked over to the door and pulled it open to see Dan lying on the ground, passed out, face tear streaked and hair an utter mess, I bent down and shook him, hard, he began to come round a little and groaned. I dragged him into my room and pulled him onto the bed. I slapped his cheek gently, "Dan,"

"What?" He groaned

"Wake up," He slowly opened his eyes and looked me in the face, what he said next shocked me.

"I love you," He whispered, I stepped back, what was he saying? I thought he was straight, I'm his best friend, he can't like me in that way, can he? He sat up quickly and looked around.

"I… I didn't mean to…"

"Out!" I yelled sternly, pointing at the door, "Now!" He stood up and stumbled towards it, turning slowly and looking at me before exiting. After he had left I stood up and angrily slammed the door, the noise echoed through the whole of the old house, making the floor vibrate. I fell to the floor and started hysterically crying, I would never see her again, it was all my fault, I knew immediately what I had to do, I had to join her, I had to go. I ran downstairs and grabbed a bottle of my Dad's vodka from the fridge, ran back up the stairs and into the bathroom. I slowly set the glass bottle on the floor, and slid over to the sink, leaning over it and sobbing, I couldn't live with the guilt of Clarissa's death, I needed to end it. I quickly opened the medicine cabinet above my head and rummaged through it, looking for the painkillers, eventually I came across a full box of Paracetamol, this should be enough to put me at rest, I thought, washed down with a bottle of vodka it would surely kill me. I emptied the contents of the box onto the side of the sink and stared at the white pills, I counted them out, sixteen, should be enough, I thought. I slowly picked the vodka off the floor and unscrewed the lid, "I'm sorry," I whispered as I was about to put the tablets in my mouth, tears pouring down my face. Suddenly I felt someone's hand on my shoulder, I turned around quickly, dark brown eyes, long, straight, shiny blonde hair, it could only be… "Clarissa?" I whispered.

"Phil!" She knocked the bottle out of my hand and it landed on the floor with a smash, I dropped the pills as she embraced me in a long, warm hug. "It's not your fault," She said, rocking me back and forth, "I love you, I was the careless one who decided to stupidly climb trees, I'll see you again someday, but not now, Phil, not now," She stroked my hair, "I love you," I stared down at my feet, and when I looked up, she was gone.

_DAN'S POV _

I stumbled out of the room, I couldn't keep my balance, I felt like I was intoxicated, Phil was obviously angry at me, I didn't mean it to slip out, It just sort of, did. I wasn't even sure if I meant it or not, I was only half awake after all. I fell through the door of the spare room and Gemma caught me in her arms as I started to sob loudly, I was so tired and confused. "It's alright Dan," She comforted.

"No it's not, it's really not," I wailed, falling into the mattress in the middle of the room, I lay there sobbing. All of a sudden I heard somebody run downstairs and run back up again, what was going on?

"That's Phil," Gemma whispered, "I don't know what he's doing," I heard the bathroom door slam shut, I sat up.

"What's going on?" I asked, wiping the tears away from my face.

"Shhhh!" Gemma pressed her finger to her lips. All I could hear was Phil's sniffs coming from the bathroom, then a loud smash, what the hell was happening in there? I stared at Gemma as she slowly left the room.

_GEMMA'S POV_

I walked quietly out the door to see what was going on. I could hear muffled voices coming from inside the bathroom, which confused me; I thought my cousin was in there alone. Suddenly the voices stopped and I carefully pushed down on the handle of the door, Phil must have forgotten to lock it, I flung it open and what I saw made my heart deepen with concern, pieces of broken glass spread across the marble tiles, a box of painkillers were on the floor and a pile of white pills were strewn across it as well, Then there was Phil, scruffy looking and sitting against the wall with his feet tucked up to his chin, rocking back and forth and crying silently. "Phil!" I exclaimed as I ran over to him and bent down, "what did you… what happened?"

"You wouldn't believe me If I told you," He sniffed, looking at me with his big, crystal blue eyes. For once I didn't know what to say; for once I was lost for words, so I just said the same thing that anyone would have said in this situation.

"Tell me,"


	18. Chapter 18

Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me, I turned to see Dan standing in the doorway, looking even more dishevelled than before, he looked around him, taking in the scene of the messy bathroom that Phil was still yet to explain.

"W…What happened," He stuttered as his eyes widened in shock. Phil immediately burst into tears and covered his face with his hands. I felt tears build up in my eyes, I had never seen Phil this bad in my life, I was three years younger than him, and we were so close that he was more like a big brother to me than a cousin, so it was tough to see him so low.

"Phil, calm down," I said softly, "Take a deep breath and tell me what happened," Phil slowly raised his head and breathed deeply.

"I was going to…" He stopped, holding in the tears, but then managed to pull himself together, "I was going to end it all," He stopped again, swallowing hard, "Then Clarissa came to me and told me not to do it," He burst into tears all over again. I instantly hugged him as he buried his face into my shoulder, crying hard. He's just really tired, I thought, he probably stayed awake the whole night, he's hallucinating.

"You should get to bed Phil," I said, stroking his soft hair, "Then get up this afternoon and have a long, warm bath, ok?" He lifted his head up and nodded. I grabbed his hand and pulled him off the floor. I kept hold of it and walked him to his room, he let go and sat on the bed.

"I miss her Gemma," he sniffed

"I know, Phil," I pulled open a drawer and lifted out his neatly folded, checked pyjamas and laid them beside him on the bed, "Give me a shout when you're changed,"

"Ok," I left the room, shutting the door carefully behind me.

"Eh, Gemma?" I turned around to see my uncle, Phil's dad, Kevin, standing behind me. "What's going on, where's my vodka?" This made me angry; he didn't even ask me how Phil was or if he was ok.

"Great," I said sternly, "Your son's girlfriend his dead, you're not bothering to comfort him and all you can think about is freaking alcohol!"

"Calm down, Gemma!"

"No I will not calm down! You're meant to be supporting your son right now! He almost killed himself and you wouldn't even have noticed if he did!" I slapped him across the face.

"Now, Gemma, there was certainly no need for that, you little bitch!" He yelled, rubbing his cheek.

"What did you just call me?" I slowly raised my eyebrows, "do you even have the _nerve _to say it again? You deserved that, for not being there for Phil when he needs you most, you're a…" I paused, I didn't know whether I should say it or not.

"Say it," He said, gritting his teeth

"A shitty father!" I yelled, did I just swear? I never swear. I turned around quickly to see Dan standing beside me, his eyes widened with horror. We stood there in silence for at least a minute, shocked expressions on all of our faces. Suddenly the quietness was broken by the sound of Phil bursting into tears from inside his room.

"Well seeing as you can't be bothered to comfort your own _son_, I will," I sighed and opened the door to Phil's room. He was lying on the bed in his pyjamas, sobbing loudly, his clothes were lying in a careless pile on the floor and he had his hands over his face. I came over and sat on the bed beside him. "Shhhh," I stroked his arm, "Try and sleep, ok?" Phil nodded as I stood up and put the clothes inside the wash basket in the corner of the room and left, quickly glancing back at Phil and shutting the door behind me. As I was walking down the hall to the spare bedroom I noticed drips of blood on the carpet, leading up to the door, I opened it slowly to see Dan sitting curled up in the corner. As I got closer I realised he had blood all over his sleeve, "Dan?" I asked, deeply concerned, "Did you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he wailed as I bent down and hugged him tightly.


	19. Chapter 19

I sat back and looked in to his dark eyes, "Show me," I breathed. My heartbeat quickened as he slowly rolled up his sleeves, angry red cuts, which were still bleeding quite badly, protruded against his beautiful, clear olive skin tone. "Dan." I whispered, "Not again," I took his arm in my hand and ran my fingers along the old, white scars that had been made about a year ago, I remember when Dan was at his lowest, when Amy died he almost died, Amy was his world and somehow I managed to help him out of his spiralling depression, just me alone. I found out about his cutting accidently when I walked in on him doing it, I will never forget that night, I was staying over at Phil's for the week and I woke up one at around three in the morning, I had to use the bathroom so I got up to go. As I opened the door I found Dan, bent over the sink, his clothes and the linoleum floor were covered in blood and he looked like he was about to pass out. "Dan!" I yelled, "What have you done?!" He immediately burst into tears and fell back onto the hard ground, there was a clash as the pocket knife he was using fell to the floor.

"I'm sorry!" He yelled, "I'm so stupid!"

"No you're not," I quickly ran over to him and held him in my arms, "You're not stupid, just broken," I stroked the back of his head, hoping it would calm him down as he cried into my shoulder. He told me everything that had happened between him and Amy, he kept saying her death was all his fault, which definitely wasn't true, and we fell asleep together, on the bathroom floor, I remember waking up with patches of dried blood on my pyjamas and I ached like mad from sleeping on the ground, but I didn't care, I didn't want Dan to be this way and now, it seemed he was back to the way he was a year ago, depressed and broken again.

"Stay here," I said, kissing his cheek, "I'm going to get some bandages to wrap you up, then we'll talk, sweetie," I brushed his hair out of his eyes, stood up and left the room, running quickly into the bathroom. Then I remembered everything that had happened in there and stared at the absolute mess before my eyes, I'll clean that up later, I thought. I walked over to the medicine cupboard and searched through it, looking for something suitable to bandage Dan up with when I found a small, blue and pastel pink box labelled "memories" I slowly lifted the lid and looked inside, what I saw in there brought tears to my eyes, pictures of Phil and Clarissa together, a piece of ribbon, a penny and a note which made the tears that had been building up, start to pour as I read:

_Dear seventy-year-old Clarissa, _

_I hope you've had a great life so far, and you've done everything you ever wanted to do, I hope you've gone all the places you've ever wanted to go, and I hope you've settled down with Phil, either in Rossendale or Cork and had a family together. Just remember it's not too late. You can still do so much more! Teach your grandchildren everything you've ever known, be a wise old granny just like granny Catherine was to you. And also, make sure Phil never forgets the times we spent together (which I highly doubt he ever will!) Now, I want you to pick up everything in this box, one by one, close your eyes, and think back to the beautiful memories they belong to. Now, lastly, don't forget who you were. Don't forget the person you are, and as tough as times may get I want you to remember making this box, and the memories inside, _

_Love twenty-one-year-old Clarissa xxxxoooo_

I slumped against the wall, crying hard, knowing she never got to that stage to read the note made my heart ache, for Phil as well as her. She was gone, and she would never pick up the things in that box, or think back to the memories that they contained. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach, I always used to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, but now, I'm really not so sure anymore…

**Author's note: **

**Don't worry! The story doesn't end there! I know I don't usually put author's notes at the end of my chapters but I thought I should, I don't know why though! I know this chapter is really short but I'll make the next chapter extra-long to make up for it :-) anyway, please leave a review telling me what you think of the story so far because I love feedback, and constructive criticism is greatly encouraged as I want to make my writing the best possible! Hope you enjoy, **

**Helen :-)**


	20. Chapter 20

_DAN'S POV_

I know I shouldn't have, but I needed to, it felt like the only thing that would help me right now, I thought I had stopped cutting, but today, I just broke the one year I had gone without it. There was just something about the pain that was, reassuring, almost calming. But it only ever lasted for a minute or two, then I was left staring down at the horrible red marks I had just made on my arm, wishing I had never even lifted the blade to my skin, thinking about how stupid I was to do that to myself. Gemma found me curled up In the corner of the room and saw the cuts, I knew she would find out at some point, she knows practically everything about me, it's weird because I can just open up to her and tell her anything, and if I wasn't telling her something she would definitely be able to see. She had got up and left, saying she would be back, but I had no idea what she was doing. Suddenly I heard her crying from inside the bathroom, then I realised something, for all these years she had comforted and looked after me, she had been one of the best things in my life, but I had never really comforted her. Now it was time to return the favour, I thought, I hauled myself to my feet, clutching the wall for support as I walked slowly to the bathroom. "Gemma?" I called softly.

"Mm hmm?" She sniffed from the other side of the door

"Can I come in?" I asked, rubbing my eyes, even though I had slept really well considering what yesterday had been like, I still felt really tired.

"Yeah, it's open," I slowly turned the handle and saw Gemma, up against the wall, her face was tear streaked and she had some sort of note in her hand.

"What's that?" I asked, sitting down beside her.

"Just read it," She said, her shaky hand passing me the note. There was a minute of silence as I read the hand written letter, tears started pouring from my eyes, this set Gemma off all over again and we held each other in our arms, sobbing. Suddenly I felt a vibration in my pocket, someone was calling me. I didn't look at the screen to see who it was.

"Hello?" I answered

"Oh my goodness, Dan is everything alright?" it was Heidi

"Well not really," I sniffed.

"I've booked a B and B; I'm coming down here tonight, ok?"

"Heidi," I sighed, "you honestly don't have to,"

"Well I want to," she replied, "I'll see you later on, Dan," she hung up.

"Who's Heidi?" Gemma asked as I put my phone back in my pocket.

"My… girlfriend," I said, it felt weird saying it out loud.

"Oh, so, when did you two… get together?"

"A couple of days ago," There was an awkward silence for a minute or so when Gemma broke it.

"Oh yes! Bandages," She stood up and started rummaging around in the cupboard above the sink, "I'm sure we have bandages somewhere… Aha!" She lifted out a box and knelt down beside me, opening it and unravelling the contents, "Put out your arm," She said softly. I rolled up my sleeve and she wrapped the bandages carefully around my cuts, I winced as it stung a little. When she had finished she stood up and put everything back in the cupboard, apart from the note, she opened it and read it again, crying softly.

"I think it's time we put that away, Gemma," I said, standing up and walking over to her. she nodded quickly and handed me the note, I looked around me and she pointed to a small blue box on the floor labelled "Memories" I slipped the piece of paper inside it and put the box in the cabinet, shutting it quietly afterwards. I stared down at the mess on the floor.

"I'll clean that up now," Gemma said, lifting a dust pan and brush out from behind the toilet.

"Do you think I should go check on Phil?" I whispered, just in case he heard.

"No, don't, he's probably sleeping," she replied, bending down and brushing up the pills that were spilled across the bathroom tiles. But I knew he wasn't, he couldn't, I mean, after everything that had happened…

_PHIL'S POV_

I lay in bed listening to the conversation Dan and Gemma were having in the bathroom, I couldn't make out what they were saying, the thick walls of this old house meant that you could only ever here mumbles coming from the next room, but I could definitely tell that they were crying, or at least, were. I knew I should sleep but I couldn't and I hadn't spoken to Dan since he had said those three words that you wouldn't expect to hear from one of your best friends "I love you". What did he even mean by that, did he feel that way towards me I mean, was he… I stopped myself from bothering my mind with thoughts of Dan, I had more on my mind about, Clarissa, thinking of her made my eyes well up with tears, I missed her so much. Suddenly I heard footsteps coming down the hall and there was a soft knock on my door, "Come in," I managed to get out. The door opened slowly and Dan entered the room.

"Look, Phil, about what I said…"

"It doesn't matter," I replied, my face too tired to reflect any emotion.

"Phil," He sat down beside me on the bed, "you're one of my best friends, I don't know what I'd do without you, promise you'll never… leave me," I managed to find the strength somewhere to sit up and embrace him in a long, warm hug, we stayed like that for a while until I felt myself drifting off to sleep…

I slowly opened my eyes and realised it was pitch black, it must be night, I thought, how long had I been sleeping for? I pawed around my bedside cabinet for my phone to check the time and the wallpaper I had set me off again, It was the last picture Clarissa and I took together, us sitting in my childhood tree house, I felt the tears immediately start to roll down my cheeks, we were never going to be together again, I was never going to feel her warm body against mine again, never going to feel her soft lips on mine, never going to laugh with her about our inner jokes, never going to be able tell her how beautiful she is, never going to hear her lovely Irish accent again. All these things swirled around my head, if I had stopped her from doing what she did, I would be able to do all those things with her right now. I sat up, forgetting to look at the time on my phone and looking at the glowing read figures of my alarm clock instead. Ten thirty pm, I stood up and walked over to switch the light on, wiping away my tears with my hands. It was much brighter than I thought and I groaned as the florescence hit my tired eyes. I opened the door and stumbled out into the corridor, sure enough the lights were on out there. I heard muffled voices and people crying coming from downstairs, what was going on? I started slowly down them, the muffles becoming clearer every step I took.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs McCarron," Clarissa's parents, I thought, oh no, I had only ever met them once before and this was not the situation I wanted to see them in. I made my way down the rest of the stairs and stopped outside the living room door, I took a few deep breathes and opened it slowly. I stepped inside the room and the next thing I knew I was being bombarded with hugs, "oh, Phil!" I recognised the voice as Clarissa's mum's, "it's so awful!" I silently cried as she sobbed loudly into my shoulder. Eventually she stood back and shook me, "She loved you so much," she said, stroking my cheek, "Never forget that, Phil," I nodded my head, she held my hand and sat down on the sofa with me, Clarissa was so much like her mum, I thought, she had the same deep brown eyes, and glistening blonde hair, in fact, she was exactly like her mum, except a younger version.

I scanned the room, on the sofa opposite there was Dan, Heidi and Clarissa's father, I had given up asking questions, my mother had made a plate of sandwiches which were sitting on the table, but nobody had touched them, but how _could _they eat after everything? She was standing beside me, arms folded and silently crying. There was nothing but the sound of people crying for about five minutes when there was a knock on the door, "Abbie," I heard Clarissa's mum whisper, wasn't that the name of Clarissa's cousin? My mum walked out and answered the door. All I heard was wailing and I looked out into the hallway where Abbie and my mother were hugging, rocking each other back and forth. Suddenly she fell though the doorway of the living room, crying loudly. I stood up quickly.

"Excuse me," I said, running back up the stairs and into the bathroom, I couldn't handle this, so many people, so many tears, so many hours of grieving, waiting, not knowing if things were going be ok, I felt dizzy, I couldn't take this anymore, I just couldn't…

_DAN'S POV (4 DAYS LATER) _

I stared at my reflection in the full length mirror and straightened my long, black tie. Half an hour to go, I thought. The last funeral I went to was Amy's and I never made it the whole way through, it was about five minutes in before I started wailing uncontrollably and had to leave. I walked over to the window and opened the curtains to reveal the beautiful Irish countryside; we had flown over here a couple of days ago as Clarissa would have wanted to be buried back home, beside her Grandmother. I felt tears start to build up in my eyes but I forced them back, I had to stay strong today, for Clarissa. It's what she would have wanted. I was staying in a B and B with Gemma as Clarissa's parents' house was a lot smaller than Phil's and only had room for Abbie, Phil, his mum and his dad. I heard the door to our room open and Gemma walk in, "Are you going to be ok today, Dan?" She asked, shuffling up and standing beside me at the window.

"I'm not worried about me," I replied, "I'm more concerned about Phil, and how he's going to hold up,"

"Me too," Gemma sighed, sitting on the bed. I joined her and we sat in silence for a while.

"What time is it?" I asked her, the chapel was just five minutes down the road, and the service started at half past ten.

"Ten past," She answered, standing up and fixing her black skirt.

"We'll leave at twenty past," I said, "I want to get there a couple of minutes early to see Phil before it starts,"

"Ok,"

I lay back on the bed, spreading myself out. I hadn't got much sleep last night as I was worrying about today, Phil had to do a reading and a speech and I knew he wouldn't be strong enough to do it, and if he couldn't do it, I would have to do it for him and I knew that if I saw Phil break down, then I would too. I slowly drifted into a light sleep when all of a sudden Gemma shook me.

"Dan, it's time to go," I sat up quickly and combed my hair. "Here," Gemma said, holding out my blazer, she slipped it on me and we left the building, then started walking down the old, mucky country lane. Eventually we got to the chapel where Phil and his parents were standing outside.

"Oh my goodness Phil!" My step quickened as soon as I saw him and I pulled his warm body close, hugging him tight.

"Dan," He whispered, "I was waiting until you came before I went in,"

"Come on, guys," Gemma said softly, taking us both by the hand and walking slowly into the small chapel. My heart started beating faster as I saw the side of the open coffin, could I do this? Was I ready? Suddenly Phil stopped.

"Are you ok, Phil?" I asked, my voice trembling. He blinked hard and nodded quickly, I could tell he was holding back a flood of tears. We continued walking until we were right up at the coffin; I stared down at Clarissa's lifeless body, wishing she would wake up. Suddenly I heard Phil start to wail loudly and he dropped to the floor, yelling,

"Why did you have to leave me?! My life will never be the same without you!" I started to cry silently and looked down at the beautiful brown eyed, blonde haired girl who would never be alive again.

**Author's note: **

**Ok guys, that was the very last chapter of the story, thank you so much for reading and I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing it. But I want to say a special thank you to Gemma, Abbie and Heidi; I don't know how I would have written this without you guys and thank you so much for reading every time I posted a chapter! Remember to leave a review telling me what you think and I definitely will be writing more fanfics in the future! **

**Love, Helen xo **


End file.
